Wednesday, January 20, 2010

ups & downs

Today the papers cops and courts log proclaimed my new dissolved status to the world. Luckily, Liam got sick, so I went for a fast run, and afterward had to go directly back to the school, collect him, and spend an entire day at home with a very bored and not very sick kid - thus avoiding the fun of having your private life displayed in public as only a small town can. Not that the word wasn't already out there, but there are plenty of people with whom I interact on a regular basis who do not know, and I would be more than happy to leave it that way. And knowing how it works with papers, I know it is getting read. But so it goes.

The kids, on the other hand, seem to be doing pretty well this week. Matt is in Hawaii for the next two weeks, and they both are missing him, but regular phone calls and skype sessions are helping. In general, though, our routine is pretty solid and includes lots of outside time, dancing, art, healthy food, and reading. We went skiing last weekend and both kids rocked it out - Liam on skis and Thea in her pulk, snacks in hand and singing little songs.

Last night a friend helped build a little kitchenette for Thea with parts and pieces I had left over from the kitchen remodel as a trade for some computer work I had done. The process was pretty fun - Liam got to do a lot of drilling and messing around with power tools, which was right up his ally. Thea ran around in circles skating through sawdust until I drug her into the kitchen and put her to work washing dishes (darn those gender biases sneak in, don't they) It was still coming together when Thea went to bed last night, so she got a big surprise in the a.m. I picked up a little set of pots and pans in Anchorage to complete the ensemble. There were squeals of delight and it was played with quite extensively today. Good stuff. I also found out that both kids will quite happily eat raw pasta if it is presented to them. Gross.

The daylight is finally stretching out. Today, a beautiful, 30-degree sunny day, presented twilight at 6 p.m. We are up to 7 hours of daylight now and gaining 5 minutes a day. Hurray. This afternoon I found myself out by the garden tromping rectangles in the snow. One for the 8x20 greenhouse I will build behind the raspberry patch, and another for the 60x40 garden I will till this spring to plant potatoes, peas, carrots and other "cold weather" crops this year. After a few months trying to buy organic produce, I am determined to try to improve my own capacity this season. It's going to be a huge project, but anything that puts me and the kids outside more is good. Pretty soon it will be time to start the tomatoes, so I'd better read up on all of that.

So all this momentum - gardening plans, fiddle lessons, working on a huge painting, focusing on what we are putting into our bodies, mandatory outsideness - is great and fine, and I'm doing good, but the truth is, it is also so intimidating. A huge part of me is terrified I'm going to screw up and forget something. There's so much to do, freelance work coming in from all over, barely able to keep up with it and my "day job," balancing the kids increased needs, especially during these solo weeks and those to come as fire season and trainings come in, maintaining an old and often crochity house (on my list is replacing the 210 electric outlet for the drier - now which fuse is that??) My nose is still above water, but there are days....

I wonder how long it will feel like this before, like this morning's amazing, smooth-as-silk 6-mile sprint, it all starts to come together and I gain confidence in my ability to not only maintain but excel in this new life. I can taste it, but I'm not there yet.

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