home again

It's been a couple weeks since we got home now and I've settled back into my world, finally, as have the kids. That's not to say that there isn't a little backward looking on all of our parts. This morning Théa asked Liam, "Do you remember when we went and looked under the rocks for shells by the campground?" It's funny the memories their minds pull out, but that was a wonderful day. There was a little pool down past where our tent was perched that we could get to only by gravity defying scrambling - a train of flipflops skittering down the cliff, passing from one hand to the next. But once there, there was tidepooling galore, and a place we could swim amid the froth of cascading waves, and under the rocks, shells. We brought home quite a few and I'd like to make them into a mobile or something to hang by the window. Later in the visit, Théa, Chris and I went back down there a couple times and swam in the froth, getting pulled back and forth by the waves like riding the most gentle swing, Théa squealing at the vats of foam. It was a special spot. There are so many memories like that - but they have all blended into this collective feeling of joy that I was able to spend that time with them, and the feeling seems to have followed us home.

It is spring break right now and the kids have been with me all week. It's funny but the time in Hawaii really shifted something for me. I've slowed down and I'm enjoying them a lot more. Their little quirks and silliness - even their squabbles. I don't quite know why it all is that much more amusing now - my patience seems to have extended quite a bit. Not to say there aren't moments, but... I'm just happy to have my warm, comfortable home, the kids pingponging through it, and the chance to tell them how much I love them. Gratitude - perhaps that's what I have discovered. As the world unfolds and images fill my screen of devastation elsewhere that surpasses my capacity to grasp, I feel endless gratitude, for my children, my life in Alaska, my friends. We really do have the opportunity to view situations in whatever light we cast them, and I choose rosy.

end of an epic adventure

Well, I'm at the airport waiting for my plane with a highly energetic Thea. Tonight I will sleep with a roof over my head for the first time in nearly a month. What an amazing idea to take this trip, and what an extraordinary adventure to pull it off. We ate a lot of noodles and spent one very wet night shivering, but otherwise, it was the trip of a lifetime. I couldn't have asked for a more pleasant time, loved spending the bulk of the visit in Hana rather than the high-paced hotter sections of the island. There is so much to tell, but for now, I'll just say, it was the best. I'm sunkissed and spent and happy and sad to be leaving and eager to come back, now that I know the secret - it can be done. Thea swam in the ocean every day this week, floating by herself in her swim vest. She has brown legs and a big smile. We snuggled by the fire each night. It was lovely to be with just her for a bit and see what that was like.

Maui days

We've been here in Maui for a week and a half and it feels like a month at least. Thea and I traveled for 14 hours to get here, but it turned out wonderfully. She slept pretty much the whole time on both flights, for which I am grateful - no need for purple medicine or anything of the sort. We arrived in Maui and were greeted by Matt and Liam, lei in hand. Thea was really glad to see her dad, did the run-into-his-arms thing. Very cool. Liam was pretty glad to see me, too, I think. We went back to Matt's mom's house to decompress and soon decided to head down to the beach. Thea immediately stripped down to nothing and ran like a mad woman in circles in the surf. Liam showed me his boogie-boarding prowess. The sun set. It was fabulous. Back at the house, Thea seemed sad and as it turned out she had come down with the same stomach bug I had the night before, but otherwise, it all went smoothly. I headed off soon to the airport to pick up Chris and head out for more than three weeks in a tent. That first night we camped in a private campground, pretty full of people, near Lahina, then woke in the morning to get provisions and head to Hana, on the East side of the island. Hana is a rural town, more cows than people, and though a batch of tourists typically cycle through daily, it is much less tourist-oriented than the more urban areas of Maui. In the past, I have come here for a couple days. This time, it is making up the bulk of the trip, and I couldn't be happier about that. It's a long drive to get to Hana, twisting and turning through the rainforest, past waterfalls and vine-covered trees and over bridges that date back over 100 years. It's a bit like going back in time, too, into real Hawaii.
We set up base in a National Park, pitching our tent on a pinacle of ground overlooking rolling surf crashing into jet-black lava rocks. Each morning, the sun rises right out the front vestible of our tent, and we have coffee looking out on the incredible scene of ocean and mountains and palm trees. It's much cooler in Hana, the breeze is constant and the air moist, but even that suits us both. The first few days were a montage of introducing Chris to the area. We quickly settled into a dodge-the-ranger routine that has allowed us so far to stay our entire trip at this one campground, despite the 3-day limit. We leave before the campground booth is manned and breakfast in town at a park, then go on to our day. This has been a low-budget trip, to be sure, with our main expense being food. A Costco run initially and some supplements from the local store have made it so we haven't even used a cooler. Oatmeal, Ramen, and lentil soup have made up a large part of our diet here, while protein from the local store adds to the evening entree. It's very simple, but sufficient. Fresh fruit hangs from the trees and is amply available at roadside stands. Chris' response to the first banana he ate here? "Oh my god, that's the best banana I've ever eaten." We did run into a snag the first evening in Hana when the cook stove we had malfunctioned and caught fire. There was a fairly comical scene where Chris was trying to move it from place to place and I wondered if the flames would back into the bottle, explode and hit the car, but a towel was sacrificed in the name of safety and the flame was extinguished. It did leave us without a stove, however, but we found a replacement at the local store that has worked well, so that was pretty minimal in impact.
So how have we spent our days? We are fairly proficient at being beach bums at this point, sitting in the sunshine for hours at a time. Chris has enjoyed the surf and snorkeling at various locations. We've hiked around in the woods, visited lava fields, driven remote roads over desolate land that seems so remote, it's hard to believe so many people travel here and never venture beyond the normal routine. We've read a lot, stared at the water a lot, caught the occasional local baseball game, and puttered through the day. It's amazing how little you can do when camping - just the simple acts of life require a lot of forethought and planning. Heck, finding the onion amidst the chaos of the car is a feat in itself. But it has been nearly 20 years since I have camped extensively like this, and I am finding it to be a hugely enriching experience. Simple memories, like the smell of the spice bag, bring back thoughts of a simple time in my life in my early 20s when I camped up the west coast with Jerzy. Then, somehow, I stopped doing that. No more. If I take anything from this trip, it's that camping is something I will do more from here on out.
After a week solo in Hana, we drove to Kihei to pick up Liam and Thea. The kids were excited to go camp, and it was wonderful to see them after so long. Thea's shining eyes peered out at me from behind the car and I was enveloped in their arms - it was quite an experience. I was hit with the realization that I missed the all at once, rather than pining for them while they weren't with me - it was like I felt all the missing I should have been doing for the week in one moment. Wham. We piled in the car and headed out after a few stops at stores for provisions, etc. The little rental car was jammed with stuff - boogie boards, etc., and we wound our way back to Hana as the kids got more and more car sick. As we pulled up to "breakfast park" in Hana, Liam pronounced that he had to throw up and I hastily stopped in the road just in time to avoid an in-the-car illness. As kids do, though, Liam quickly rebounded and within 10 minutes was on the beach showing me his prowess as a boogie boarder once again. Very cool. We made our way out to the campsite and set up for the night as clouds rolled in and the winds got more intense. Hana is a rainy place, but thus far, Chris and I had had very nice weather for the most part. That night and the next were the wettest since we had arrived, but even so, the kids did pretty well. We hiked up to the waterfalls near the campground - a 3-mile hike that Thea managed with grace, and a few bruises on her shins. The next day was a beach day, and one morning we went to the seven sacred pools and swam in the cool freshwater streams before heading back to Kihei. We got in trouble with the park ranger for skirting the pool closed sign and going into the water anyway, much to the concern of Liam, our rule-follower in residence. But the ranger opened the pools only a few minutes after we broke in, so it turned out our judgement was solid and the water levels, which had been significant the day before because of all the rain, had sufficiently receded. For the drive back to Kihei, we drove around the back road from Hana, ending up in Upcountry. I'd never been on that road, despite 8 years of visiting Maui, and it was one of the more thrilling parts of the trip thus far. The terrain was so rugged and remote, starting in the rainforest and then easing into dry land with wild goats grazing and finally into super-dry lava fields and last of all, the lush, cool tree-covered Upcountry area, where there is even a vineyard. We toured Makawa, a small town in upcountry with a western bent, where Chris was happy to see cowboy hats and such ilk aplenty. Thea tried to terrify Chris in an art shop by manhandling $7,000 quilts and statues, and we watched a glass-blowing operation in progress. Then we dropped the kids off amid a thunderstorm and headed in darkness back to Hana - an experience for sure driving that road without any concept of what was around the next bend.
We are no longer the whitest people here, and the toughest decision we have in a day is which beach to go to and what to eat for dinner. I'm writing a bit, and Chris tried his had at fishing this morning, but mostly, it's pretty simple. And oddly, that is working just fine for me - I'm surprised at my newfound capacity to be a sloth - something I doubt I had the capacity to do in years past. Perhaps it's just that now, work doesn't constitute my sense of personal fullfillment? I don't know. Something has shifted. I think it's a good thing, though.

Dancing into the new year

Last year at this time, I had no idea what 2010 would bring. I had no idea that I would have my first successful garden, or raise chickens, or fill my freezer to the brim with fish from Kachemak Bay. I didn't know so much.

I didn't know Liam would continue to grow into a strong, wonderfully caring boy with a silly sense of humor and a passion for the theatrical. I didn't know he would learn to swim, or do incredible things at school, or participate in his first theater performance (and then his second). I didn't know how proud I would be of his burgeoning independence - his ability to scramble an egg and even cook dinner, take care of the chickens and help me when I need a hand. It's not his job to be my right hand man, but he is immensely helpful at times, and I'm grateful.

Théa - a year ago, she was barely talking. Now, she babbles nonstop, generally over her brother, and it's not garbeldygook - it's genuine thoughts. Most recently, shes' starting to express her emotions verbally. Amazing stuff. Really, there is so much, because the difference between two and three is huge. But I'll leave most of that for her birthday post, which is just around the corner. Suffice it to say, the girl is a wonder, and I'm more and more impressed every day I get to know her better. Tired. But impressed.

As for me, I had no more insight about what path my life would take at the beginning of 2011 than I had in my children's. I had no idea that I would find myself this year - that I would finally beat back all the dark clouds of insecurity in my life, and that I would replace them with a joy in life that feels pretty amazing. I also didn't know that I would run a half-marathon, perform my fiddle in public for the first time, spend most of the summer redoing my house from top to bottom. Not a clue. Most of all, though, I didn't know that I would fall in love again. It's a scary, but wonderful, place to be. But I wouldn't have it any other way. I feel rich beyond belief.

We never really know what's around the corner. We can make projections that may or may not prove to be true based on the best information we have at the time, but in the end, it is so much more than that. There is a randomness and an coincidental nature to the human experience that is amazing and wonderful. It makes me wonder with awe what I don't know about this coming year. I can't wait to find out.

Duuunnn (insert Irish accent)

I'm not hearing any noises coming from the various rooms in my house where children are supposedly sleeping. For all intensive purposes, that signals the end of 14 hours of Christmasing. And no bah humbugs here, we all had a great day, but wow, it's nice to collapse.

This was the first year I had the kids - last year they went to their Grandma and Grandpa's in California with Matt. And it's interesting - somewhere a day or two ago, something snapped in me. All of a sudden, that perfectionist in me that I've been trying hard to corrupt over the past year rose up with great gusto. All of a sudden, I found myself standing in line for 10 minutes at Ulmer's to get the perfect stocking stuffer tube of lip gloss for Théa that I had forgotten in the first round. And before I knew what was happening, the house had to be spotless, and relatively organized, and the pile of laundry had to be put away, and and and... madness.

It was also admittedly an interesting experiment to try a joint Christmas with Matt. It seemed to work for the kids for the most part, especially Liam, but it did make for an interesting day. We had stockings and gifts for each other with Chris in the early morning (early, really early, what a cliché), then Matt came by with a literal truckload of presents for the kids - whoa. As usual, they made out like bandits. Liam's favorite gift was the Millennium Falcon Star Wars ship that is literally the same size as the small trampoline the kids got from our friend Mike. Théa's favorite gift was a baby and a bottle and binkie. Good grief. But they got everything kids could ever want. Liam got an original Red Rider BB Gun from Chris, and went out for his first lessons this evening, just as my peace-loving parents and I were Skyping, which I'm sure left an impression. (On a side note, just in case they read this, though Chris does own more guns than anyone I've ever met, he speaks French and he did vote for Obama.) Théa got sparkly stuff and puzzles, and a barn with animals in it. They also got a Wii. I don't know how I feel about all the screen time, but Liam for one was thrilled.

What I found about this Christmas was that while lots of the details had changed, the main themes remained the same. The holiday bread didn't rise until midnight, just like usual. There wasn't nearly enough sleep, way too much stuff, and even more candy. But what's not to love about wading through a house covered from one end to the other with wrapping paper and the voices of joyful children.

We finished up the night with a dinner of home-grown roast chicken with all the trimmings, and Chris joined us for the evening. The kids were fruitcakes by then, but kept it together enough to clean up a bit before bedtime stories. Now it's quiet. It's so cold outside - single digits of brrr. The wood stove is going gangbusters and it's still more comfy with a blanket on. And I am completely and totally at peace with it all. I hope it lasts for a little bit.

eclipse

It has been my general experience that the things you think will be a good idea for activities to do with kids... aren't. Take the annual getting of the tree, for example. Tears. Every time there are tears. Who cries when they get a tree?? That is not how it looks in the pictures, nor the movies. People are happy. Smiling. It's all good. Not my clan. Someone has cold fingers. This year, there was also a scuffle over who was going to hold the saw. Sadness.

But last night was the exception to that rule. Last night was winter solstice - the longest night of the year - and the full moon - and, to top it all off, there was a lunar eclipse. I tried not to hype it up...so many things could get in the way. But as it turned out, it was a perfectly clear night and the moon was high in the sky. We went over to Chris' house around 7 and ate some dinner. The kids played without incident for a couple hours, then outside we all tromped and lit a big bonfire (not without a lot of artificial substances and a few rule-breaking incidents, mind you) and gazed upward. I didn't know how long the kids would last, given the late hour and the single-digit temperatures. But as it turned out, they did just fine. The eclipse started, the kids noticed, even wowed at it, and chased sparks like puppies chasing butterflies. Snowball fights erupted. There was much throwing of sticks into the fire. Neighbors stopped by with binoculars. The eclipse got more intense, covering half, then almost all of the moon. The moon turned rosy red. The stars came out. It was beautiful. There were periodic shouts of "look at it NOW". At the very end, Thea pooped out and went inside, but that was maybe 11 p.m. so all in all we all managed very well. And I think, maybe, just maybe, it will be one of those memorable moments in Liam's life. I still remember a solar eclipse from when I was maybe six or seven. It's an amazing thing. But nothing like this. This was beyond that. It was a night to remember.

Holiday humm

Liam's Christmas --- err --- holiday concert was tonight. As per usual, he takes his performances very seriously, wearing a stoic expression I've seen before in some photos from the early ’80s. When the music started, he performed his heart out. Then came the part when the class had to wait a bit before relaunching into the next verse of the song. One kid started to launch in too early. Liam, like a traffic cop, raised his hand and stopped him. Then, a second or two later, another spot came up. Again, Liam stopped the erroneous singers. My friend Mo above me said that when they were rehearsing this had happened and Liam had hollered out, "STOP." Thank goodness he tamed it down this time. Sheesh. But the performance was, as always, sweet and fun. Théa and Matt sat on the sidelines because Théa couldn't sit still for the whole thing. Well, to be honest, Théa couldn't even make it through the introduction. That girl has a lot of energy. Yikes.

It's been a busy month for the kids. Winter has come on strong, and both Liam and Théa have tried their hand at skating. Liam, after not too long, was zipping around the rink. Théa needed a bit more help, but insisted she did not. They have also been doing lots of swimming, with they both love, though Liam tried and opted out of a great swim club for reasons including locker room chaos and perhaps chilly water? A bit befuddling as a parent to unravel the inner workings of that kid's head, but I'm optimistic he will get lots of water time, now that he has even more family living on Maui.

School has also been interesting these days for Liam. The other day, his teacher pulled me aside because of an incident the previous day. Apparently, he had asked to see the principal. When asked why, he had said something benign, like he hadn't had a chance to see him recently. But after the visit, his teacher pressed him for more information. "I don't want to tell you because I don't want to hurt your feelings," he said. His teacher said perhaps he should tell her anyway. And Liam did. Apparently he had gone to talk to his principal because he wasn't happy with the amount of yelling in the classroom these days. Wait. What?? Here is a child who will take care of his own problems. He never even mentioned it to me - he just went and did it. Matt and I were flabbergasted, if a bit concerned about the implications and the issue. But ultimately, I think it's safe to say we were proud as can be. Independence is huge.

We're a bit late getting in the holiday spirit, but this weekend, I plan to launch in with both feet - Christmas Tree, holiday festivities, etc. I'm looking forward to a chunk of time with my family, launching a few new traditions, reworking some others. The world is looking pretty peaceful these days, and for that I am very, very thankful.